ආකල්ප වෙනස

 මේක මට  හරියට හිතට බර ප්‍රශ්නයක් .

So මට සිංහලෙන්  type කරන්ඩ අමාරු උනත් I'm gonna try doing so.

Here goes.

මේ ලඟදි මට ඇහෙනව ගෑනු ලමය් ඉන්න අම්මල දෙතුන් දෙනෙක් ගෙ කතාවක්.

එක අම්මෙක් is telling a story about how එයාගෙ daughter was walking on the main road with තව ගෑනු ලමය් දෙතුන් දෙනෙක්. ඔය වෙලාවෙ ඒ පාරෙන්ම යන පිරිිමි ලමය් දෙන්නෙක් මේ ගෑනු ලමය්න්ට මොනවාද කියල.

So අර girls ල සෙට් එකෙන් එක ලමයෙක් අර පිරිිමි ලමය්ට තිත්ත කුනුහරුපෙන් බැනල.

This is where things get sad and funny at the same time.

මේ කතාවෙ ඒ අම්මට තියෙන ලොකුම issue එක අර කුනුහරුපෙන් බැනීම.

එහෙව් කුනුහරුපෙන් බනින ලමය් එක්ක ආස්සරය කිරීම.

Apparently ඒ අම්ම කියන්නේ අර  boys must be well brought up boys ලු because ඒකට්ටිය අර girl ට කනේ පහරක් නොගැහීම for the කුනුහරුපෙන් බැනීම.

Now මේ අම්මල ඔක්කොම 1st class ඩිග්රි ගහල පශ්චාත්ව තව ඩිග්රි දෙක තුනක්ම ගහපු අය.

To add insult to injury, these people විද්‍යාව විෂය තමන් ජීවිතයේ බාගයක්ට වඩා හදාරාපු අය.

So මට ඉතිං පස්ස කසන හින්දා මම කියන්ඩ උත්සාහ කරා,ඔය කතාවෙ true issue එක අර boys ලාගෙ behaviour නෙ කියල. මෙන්න කියපි, අපිට අනිත් අය හදන්න බැරිය,ඒක හින්දා අපි ලමය්න්ට කියල තියෙන්නේ කට වහගෙන just ignore කරන්ඩය, කියල.

Now here is my issue with all this.

මම ඔය Post Graduate Diploma in Education කියල එකක් කරා, again පස්ස කසන හින්දා.ඕකෙ මම අහගන කියනවා education has a hidden curriculum.

What that means is, when educationists build curricula and then come up with material to teach that curricula, things we want enforced or things we need to change in society is slid in to the curriculum of a subject.

උදාහරණයක් විදිහට, සිංහල පොතේ සිංහල ⁣පාඩමක description එකක් දානව අම්ම car එක drive කරං වැඩට යන කොට තාත්තා kitchen එකේ උයන .

තව උදාහරණයක් science book එකේ experiments describe කරන කොට girl කෙනෙක් ගෙ නමක් දානව ඒ experiment එක කරන person විදියට.

දැං most people හිතය් ඕක random කියල . නෑ.

මේ වගේ hidden curriculum එකකිං අපිට විශාල ආකල්ප වෙනස්කම් කරන්ඩ පුලුවන්. ටිකෙන් ටික. It takes years.ඒත් ඒක කරන්ඩ පුලුවන්.හොඳම example නංගී සහ මම.

So now we come back to the අම්මලගෙ story.

මගේ මතය තමා,ඒ incident එකට how the moms reacted taught the kids a pattern in behaviour. එයාලගෙ ආකල්ප වලට.

අවුරුදු 15ත් 25ත් අතර young පුද්ගලයන් කියන්නේ,adults විදියට ජීවිත් වෙන්ඩ patterns seek කරන people. ඉතින් වැඩිහිටියන්  විදියට අපි කියනව ඒ young පුද්ගලයන්ඩ yo just ignore whats wrong in society and keep your mouths shut and the person who opens the mouth is a bad person. 

ඕව ඔක්කොම අරං අපි එමු ලංකාවේ අද තත්ත්වයට.

Are we not in this situation because we are in a democracy where majority of voting adults keep ignoring the wrongs? And the funniest part is අර system change කරන්ඩ කියල පාරට පැනගෙන protest කරන්ඩ කතා කරකර හිටිය ගොඩේ ඔය අම්මල ඔක්කොම හිටිය.

ඇය් හත්වලාමෙ system change තමාගේ ආකල්ප සහ තමාගේ ලමය්න්ගෙ ආකල්ප වලින් පටන් ගත්ත නං හෙන ගහනවද.

Ohhh btw මෙතන moms mention කරාට පියානන් කියල වෙනසක් නෑ. කතා කරොත් හෙනම well educated, progressive, socialites but අවුරුදු 10ක ගෑනු ලමයට shoulders open කරපු ,කකුල් වල දනහිසෙන් උඩ open ඇදුම් අදින්න එපාලු. පැය කීපයක් ගෑනු ලමයෙක් තනියම ගෙදර තියල යන්නේ නෑ.

Just for a second think about the hidden curriculum enforced here.

ඕව ඔක්කොම කරල,ලමය්න්ගෙ මොල fuck up(චිකේ naughty words)කරල, පාරට පනිනවා system change කරන්ඩ.

ඕවට ඉතිං මට කියන්ඩ හිතෙන්නේ හු** කතා කියල.(again චිකේ naughty words )

Beginning of an end

I was darn tired. Had been painting the floor of my room the whole evening & the room smelled like turpentine & it was 7pm when I get a call. 

Hey come out. I'm with a few friends @lighthouse.
An hour after I walk in to the cafe and wave at my friend.
Was in a dark blue summer dress with a line of cut work flowers on it's hem. It was a chilled out evening with the sea breeze blowing on my wild hair. Always the wild hair.
Hello baby.. how are u?
I'm damn tried... . I need a massage.
He started rubbing my shoulders while walking towards his group of friends.
Hey guys this is....... 
& I wave @them all, casually.
And this one guy amongst the group of friends gets up & offers his hand "I'm .....".
I noticed him ,I saw him. Blue jeans, white shirt and blazer. Nerdy spectacles. A beard. A nice smile.
"Where would you want to sit" he asks holding a chair. "Anywhere" uttered I.
That was the beginning of the end, for me.
...................................................................

After a hurricane on my bed he sits on the edge of the bed, looking at me as I rub myself dry.
"And I saw this woman at light house one night and I said to myself "oh fuuuuck".
That was a surprise. A damn surprise.
"So you were thinking, fuck, the 1st time you met me? " I ask.
"No" says he. "This was different. It's an oh fuuuuck...... like when you have an orgasm."
"Ha.... the beginning of the end" think I.

Jasmine Flowers for Her

Jasmine
White
The smell of innocence.
Jasmine white
Pure
An offering for the Lord.

A bunch of Jasmine
For her hair at dusk.

She dances
The world breaker.

Smell of jasmine swirling around her.
She dances all night
Jasmine in her hair.

At dawn she fades.

She fades in to oblivion
Part of the surroundings
Not a part of anyone's landscape of memories and dreams.

Till another dusk.
With Jasmine in her hair.

Oxytocin

I love you he said.
She remembers the shadows on her bed
the super moon made.
Marry me he said.
She remembers saying it's not about a signature on a yellowing piece of paper
on a dusty table.
I don't love you anymore he said.
She remembers being numb.
I was afraid to be alone he said.
She remembers
clear as day
how she was epitomized to be the only beauty of his heart.
He walks out.
She walks in
to a shell
with an echo
a nagging echo
every waking hour
haunting her
is that all what she's worth
A gush of testosterone
?

Happiness

I was wrong
I thought my happiness depended on someone else loving me, accepting me
In a family of a man and a woman
It never crossed my mind it's all about me loving myself
Just smiling at the afternoon sun on my face

And so just like that
I can choose to be happy

End of a Love

I don't know how this goes
But I don't give a fuck.
Yeh you don't give a fuck.
I can see that, feel that and hear that in the deafening silence.
The noise of plastic being torn.
Well good bye my love.
Because I give a fuck.
I feel.
I have never let anyone come
In me.
Never let anyone near me as I did you.
I never was careless enough to dream.
Till I met you.
And now I never will.
I will let you go my love.
Find happiness.
Marry a woman who makes you happy, have kids.
Name them Iris and Isaac.
For I have no need of those names anymore my love.
For I am a woman who cannot be loved.
For I will not dare dream again.
I know now where I belong.
And it isn't beside you my love.
I am sorry for the wasted times.
I am sorry for all the fucks not given.
But most of all I am sorry for  I am a disappointment.
I am sorry for all I am.
I tried my love. I tried to take this hideous joke of a woman away from this word but I failed , entirely, even at that.
I will keep trying my love. I promise.
Not that you'll give a fuck.
But I'll try all the same.
I hope one day we never meet.
And I wish you rainbows and laughter my love.
Farewell.
Forget that you loved me once.
Forget that your heart and your brain told you in unison , oh yes.
Just don't give a fuck my love.
Goodbye.

Let me

Let me cry alone
As I am alone
I am loved
But not the way I want to
Story of my life
From the first fuck to the last
And they all do it
Saying I care too much for you
So I am not right for you
To say I DO
But I'm just right for that fuck

Her Dream

The whore dreams
Every day and every night
When she's awake and while asleep
Being rocked
On a dingy bed
Being carried to an eternal pit
She dreams
Of love
Support
Children
And laughter
Colours of a rainbow
And smells of a home
And then she wakes up
To a lustful face
Hovering above her
And she closes her eyes inside and out
Let herself be rocked
On her dingy bed
Tears streaming down her face
For all things that are just dreams
So so far away...........

Love

Honey
Remember
As your memories tear you apart
About the children we dreamt about
Rainbows and laughter
Remember how I felt
Inside and out
The taste of me in the morning
How I smelled like vanilla, roses and hope
Remember
You used to love me
And remember
I love you

How are you?

You don't feel love for me
You say
First thing in the morning
I listen to you
Nothing new
Then you ask me how I am?
I listen to the question
I want to tell you I feel despondent
Abandoned
Over and over and over again
But what use is there to say what hurts the most to an unfeeling ghost
I say, I'm good
Nothing new
Life continues

Sick

That moment, when you realise
That you are living a lie
That you are not at all fine
That you hurt
Every cell in your body hurt
That you are grey and hollow
Underneath the glossy sheath
Of lip gloss and painted nails
You feel sick.

Mistress

Human heart
Is an organ of fire
Amongst a room full of strangers we stand catching each other's eyes.
Lust and love
What is love? When does it begin? Where does it end?
Is the act of love a possibility without love?
For the mistress of him, making love without love was death.
She dies everyday...........

Use me

Use me
for I am letting you
I walk in to a room
and I am Minerva
the bright eyed
When the doors close
in the wake of the night,
in pitch black of an undying heart
I become nothing.
A jinn
nothing but a faint energy
so afraid
so insecure
so begging for a scrap of love.
Use me for I let you.
Use me happily.
Use me to spy on your enemy.
Use me to score points with that person you are jealous of.
Use me to get some relief
from that load trying to burst the seams of your jeans.
Use me for I am your daughter.
Use me for I am your sister and friend.
Use me for I am the madame host of this brothel of pleasures.
Scratch at my skin till it bleeds.
Till I finally feel the pain for pain is all that is left for me.
Use me for I let you love me
for I am in a dream of make believe love.
Break me.
Break me in to thousand pieces.
Break my soft flesh that only you can touch
for it will never see the light of day again,
covered by this thick hide.
So come,
use me,
mount
me, I the
goddess,
bitch

Stolen Moments

What you feel is real; every stolen moment we spend in each others arms.
I see it in your eyes.
I feel it in the energy of us, consuming one another.

The almost magnetic pull, deep within me.
The wanting to possess the skins of each other.
The need to crawl underneath, to shudder with pleasure.
Time has new meanings here inside our black hole.

Dead meat on a cold slab

She has the most amazing mind
And when she enters a room
All eyes fall on her voluptuous, curvaceous body
Lithe with an ever so undetectable skip of a 5year old.
At night she stares at her phone
Waiting to be remembered
To be soothed to sleep with I love you's and whatnots...
And she hears the noise of plastic being torn instead.
Disinterest, clear as day
In the dead of the night.
She's so used to these cycles
Of being wanted physically
But being rejected psychologically.
All of them wanting a fuck
But being very through at not being fucked.
Still hoping
To be seen
She lives.
Alone in bed, other times
She knows she's just dead meat on a cold slab
Impossible to be loved
As a woman
Ideal for consumption otherwise.
She dreams of death.

End of an Affair.....

it was the end
she knew the minute
he walked out the door
the long battle fought was
finally
over,
she had lost!
time now for her
to put the dress back on
touch on her makeup 
step in to the world
with a new mask
later
she will need to wash the sheets
to bleed 
their sweat out
the tastes
the brief lightning memories
redefine ins and outs
but for now
she needed it etched on her skin
he will not return
for the burial
of her broken heart
after the end
of an affair.

Bleed-ing

It is been just one day since you've been gone

You kept me so tightly tied-up

I did not feel the emptiness in my depths

.

I feel 

Feelings gushing in precipitously

Confusing

Consuming 

.

I did not feel me bleed on the floor

All the emptiness

Boundless

With you missing

With a part

Of me

.   

Rain.

It's a little wet

and

a little cold

out side my window

the gray skies,

painting streaks of green

on wet leaves

Zeus on a rampage.

It's a little wet,

and

a little cold

and 

I am

a little alone

it's been a while

rain outside

and

in.

I use to.

I use to feel that way about you.

A while back.

I use to.

Feel

like human.

a while back.

I use to

feel

love,

pain,

,

,

,

.....................................,

i use to feel.

now

my eyes are shut.

the fire extinguished.

only empty space remains.

i feel not

that way about you

anymore

my.

love.

Picture of ME!

Excuse me,

I’m sorry, but I would have to stop you there!

I was willing to hand you information on my entire life history,

But NO

I will not hand you a picture of me!

For you to choose

To commit for the entirety of your life.

How can you decide

Just by taking a look

At

But a moment of

Frozen History

Just enough light

Exposure

A lot of make-up

AND

A fake smile!

NO sir, 

I am not a hotel room

You spend your vacation in!

And yes, you may certainly leave 

if you like to!

Please close the door behind you, as you leave.