Happiness

I was wrong
I thought my happiness depended on someone else loving me, accepting me
In a family of a man and a woman
It never crossed my mind it's all about me loving myself
Just smiling at the afternoon sun on my face

And so just like that
I can choose to be happy

Dead meat on a cold slab

She has the most amazing mind
And when she enters a room
All eyes fall on her voluptuous, curvaceous body
Lithe with an ever so undetectable skip of a 5year old.
At night she stares at her phone
Waiting to be remembered
To be soothed to sleep with I love you's and whatnots...
And she hears the noise of plastic being torn instead.
Disinterest, clear as day
In the dead of the night.
She's so used to these cycles
Of being wanted physically
But being rejected psychologically.
All of them wanting a fuck
But being very through at not being fucked.
Still hoping
To be seen
She lives.
Alone in bed, other times
She knows she's just dead meat on a cold slab
Impossible to be loved
As a woman
Ideal for consumption otherwise.
She dreams of death.

End of an Affair.....

it was the end
she knew the minute
he walked out the door
the long battle fought was
finally
over,
she had lost!
time now for her
to put the dress back on
touch on her makeup 
step in to the world
with a new mask
later
she will need to wash the sheets
to bleed 
their sweat out
the tastes
the brief lightning memories
redefine ins and outs
but for now
she needed it etched on her skin
he will not return
for the burial
of her broken heart
after the end
of an affair.

Picture of ME!

Excuse me,

I’m sorry, but I would have to stop you there!

I was willing to hand you information on my entire life history,

But NO

I will not hand you a picture of me!

For you to choose

To commit for the entirety of your life.

How can you decide

Just by taking a look

At

But a moment of

Frozen History

Just enough light

Exposure

A lot of make-up

AND

A fake smile!

NO sir, 

I am not a hotel room

You spend your vacation in!

And yes, you may certainly leave 

if you like to!

Please close the door behind you, as you leave.

I Medusa.

some people are scarred

beyond the point of starting new

the point of loving someone

EVER again

some people are scarred

from their childhood

from their actions & choices

from the people they love

people they hate

ALL people are scarred

I  know you can not love me.
No one can.
That I know by now.

Not because of your scars,
but because of mine.

So, just tell the truth,
when I ask your heart.

Simply tell me that you feel like spewing,
when you see my scales,
the snakes of anger hanging around me.
Tell me you despise me
for being deflowered.


Tell me, with honesty you'd rather
be stoned
than love me!

I'm not a fool!
I know, scars are scars, after all;
they are just marks.
Left alone, scars don't hurt. 

You were born to love,me.

You were born to love me.

70,000 years
Of practice
Just
To love me.

To love the warmth of my skin,
The feel of my hair.
To love the scent of my wildness.
Simply to see through the bone
& gore
& be one with my heart.

Remember
Dear
dear
companion!

That you were BORN to love me!


How you can leave your ways
I know not...
How you can not be pulled by my warmth,my scent ......
I know not!

The day will come
when you answer
To the call of my heart
Once again.

Look in to my eyes
And feel me!

Feel.
That
You
were
Bron
to
Love
Me!

She can not be loved...

she is the dry earth
cracked & baked
under those who passed her by
those who still pass
just another place on their way
never
to come by again.

eons has she longed for
the day when the rains came.

the day when she could flourish with the colours of life.

the day she could shake the skin she has grown in to
a day to breath
to finally
live!
Just a single day would suffice.

she waits!

holding her sorrow in her bosom
deep deep down her baked self.

she waits!

she hopes,
despite her erudition
she JUST can not be loved!

yesterday
today
or
tomorrow. 

I am sorry!

I am sorry

I could not see
Why
Your ever so bright light was out

I am sorry

I did not know
It was me you were keeping out
With
Locked doors
Shut windows

I am sorry

I did not understand
It took so much
To give a little space
For a chronically ill of heart

I am sorry

For
That
Which
I am!!

Let go....

What do you do
When your heart is breaking
And your eyes well up
of torrential rains??
And you search the ends of the earth
To find a reason
For the storm,
And return empty!

WHAT do you do, then?

You let go, then
Of EVERYTHING!

Of everything you like !
Of everything you loathe!
Of everything that binds!

Let go! With a haste!
Let go! With a love so pure!
Let go! With the sapience;

That all living things big or small
Seen or unseen
Born of matter or born of light
Decay
Over time!

Remember;
The only certainty is
In the death of all who live!

Remember this
From the depths of your cells!

And
You let go
Of YOURSELF!

"As gently as a leaf renounces a drop of dew with the touch of morning light"

~ Thank you my good friend AA for MOST of this one :) ~

Mosaic

I let them all fall,

my bandages

to let your eyes feast.

On a skin permanently tattooed 

with scars.

Every inch of it!!

It tells a story, the mosaic!

Of countless births of suffering.

Of pools full of blood & horror!

I know you are afraid

of what you lay your eyes on,

the ugliness.

I see it in your eyes.

I see it it in you.

YET,

Don't run away

yet!

Abide with me please

Until i wrap myself up again.

THEN,

You can depart 

As quickly as your steps would carry

& never lay your mind on me again.

I hardly know you.. now

I’ve seen you.
I’ve seen your smile.
I’ve seen your anger.
I’ve seen your tears.

I’ve seen you.
I’ve seen you in light.
With all your flaws.
Standing bright & tall!

I’ve seen you in the dark,
With all my senses fighting
To compensate  for the useless pair of eyes,
To know your  ridges & valleys
As the back of my palms.
To remember when you're gone!

I’ve seen you.
When you were about to reach
That place of ecstasy.
I’ve watched you as you open that door
& step inside
alone.

I have seen you.
Seen glimpse of what I thought is your heart!
A beautiful creature running wild & free!

And I DID know you
Then.

But now you’ve closed the door behind
Leaving me on the verge
To come.

Shifted your heart to a strange landscape
I could never reach.

I DO see you now
In my mind
A stranger I hardly know!

Nameless....

she cleans our school.
she's sent out to buy everything & anything.
from tampons to NaOH the school & it's UPPER echolon inhabitants are in need.
she is running in the morning!
she is running in the evening!
& then she gives a small bit of solace to her weary feet
on a dirty step
out of everyones eyes.
& then back to running!!


She is P*

But for most she does not have a name.

& MOST does not know that
once upon a time
not so long ago
she was a trained nurse.

with 12 years of experience behind her!
now choosing to be nameless
for she loves children.

for that one thing in life that she wants the most,
the one thing she can never have,
the thing which will complete her.

for she would do anything to be around
THAT thing
that makes her complete.

even when she knows
that
that completeness comes at a high price
called
namelessness!

am I THAT invisible?? :'(

Hi Miss
Ane' I have a rash on my back
I don't know what to do
But it hurts day & night!
Miss, sweet Miss!
can you help me?
Miss??


Hello sir!
Ane' I've not eaten for days
Other than garbage.
Oh dear sir, you have no idea
How hard it is
To find a bit of water to drink
Sir can you help?
Sir??
Sir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.............................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im down here!!
Am I truly that hard to see??!!
I'm looking at you
& my heart is about to burst!
& my eyes burn of a rain just about to fall!

Ane i know you little sirs & misses are busy
That you face the struggle of life as I do!
But please look at me!!
It takes only a second!!
& you will realise that more than food or water or medication......
What i really want is a tiny bit of LOVE!
Talk to me!
Notice me!

& I'll give you all I have to give
All that is precious to me
My love, my heart
The wag of my tail!

& My LIFE! I promise! I do!

Please please !
LOOK AT ME!!
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!


AM I THAT INVISIBLE!!

Am I REALLY  that INVISIBLE!!!!!!!

image ~ WAPA

words....

words
have a way
don't they!
of changing
their meaning
midway
at times,
have a way of pricking
until
it bleeds
??
words Do
have a way!!
Dont't they??

My Friend! :-,!!

I told you I need
someone like
a father
& You smiled.
I told you I need someone
like  a son,
You looked out the window
& shut THAT door tighter.
I said I need
someone
LIKE a husband
& You threw the key of your heart
To the depths of the ocean
we use to watch
rolling its waves
while you sing.
And
When
I told you
I need a friend
You turned to me and said
Now that I can BE.

And that
was the 1st time
You lied to me!

Blur

When I take
My glasses off
The world goes in a -6.75(plus a cylindrical difference) BLUR.
When I put them back
Again
The world goes
In an even greater BLUR.

Taste

I cannot stand to live with it,
Nor can it easily be washed away
With Listerine,
This taste of failure in my mouth!
Yet I try,
Again & again,
With as much vigor as I've got.
To just do that
I cannot!

Loss of Innocence!

It only takes
A moment
To lose your innocence.
A moment of unguarded youth,
A moment of confusion.
Fake or true;
A moment of connection,
& you lose it; your innocence.
Between the crumpled sheets
& bloodied dreams,
Between trust & SOMETHING in-between,
With lost hope
& unspoken truths
you lose
Your innocence.
Never to find
Where it's kept now,
Like all things lost
Gone it is!!.

Ask me...

Ask me who I am
I will tell you

I am LIKE the ocean
Harsh & changing
Yet gentle & calm at the depths of its heart
I am THE mother yet a child
I am the friend & the wife
I am the giver
Of the breath of life
With the blood I shed every month
I am whole
yet I am incomplete
I am everything & yet
I am nothing
I am what I AM
Sum of all that was & that will be

& yet I will remain
Reticent with a smile upon my lips
Until THAT time you ask
Me
Who I am
& Whom I've been!

Self-realization

you wait!! & wait!! & wait!!!....
for someone/anyone to see
them
those scars...
those wounds...
you help inflict
on yourself.
one CAN'T miss!!
they are there to see,
only if one takes off the polaroids.
so you wait!! & wait!! & wait!!
for someone/anyone to see
until hours turn to days & months & years & years & years.......
& you wait!!!
until you leave
to begin another cycle
afresh
still WAITING!! & waiting!!!!!!!..